Twas the Night Before Crisis

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover,
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled,
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my cube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
is eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

Qualities of an Ideal Company

1. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
2. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
3. "Sorry I'm late, but I'm still drunk from last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
4. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus, right into your car.

Business Mergers

• Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
• 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called MMM Good
• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da