The Dirty Old Man...
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
Yo Mama - Layaway
Yo mama so poor, she puts McDonald's dollar meals on layaway.
You Might Be A Redneck 56
You might be a redneck if...
- The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
- You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
- You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
- You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
- You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
- You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
- Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
- Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
- You have to stop a leak in your flat-bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
- You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."