Military Jokes - Army Jokes

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?"  

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"  

"Good man!" says the Major.  He goes to the next bed.  "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

Ten recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey Johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir," Johnson answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the drill instructor again.

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"And that hair- don't they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"So why didn't you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the big one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!"

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure  "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up." The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"