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The best jokes and joke writers!

Busted

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

2 + 2

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 + 2?" The housewife replies: "Four!" The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Chemist's Last Words

The last words of a chemist:

1. And now the tasting test.

2. May that become hot?

3. And now a little bit from this...

4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunsen burner *is* out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...

11. Oh, now I have spilt something...

12. First the acid, then the water...

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

14. This is a completely save experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

16. O no, wrong beaker...

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away...

19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!

22. Something is wrong here...

23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me - I know what I am doing. 

25. And now a cigarette... 

Laws from the W-Men

Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes:

First Law - Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends.

Second Law - If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available.

Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot.

Fourth Law - When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact.

Fifth Law - Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa.

Sixth Law - A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all.

Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.

Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 

The Force

May the force be...

Equal to Mass times Acceleration.