Carpool

 For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Too Much TV

Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV? 
A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!"