Respect For The Dead

I believe in respect for the dead, in fact I could only respect you if you were dead.

What Will the Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"  "Probably that I married you for your money."

Men Are Like...

• Men are like laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
• Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like vacations. They never seem long enough.
• Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
• Men are like weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
• Men are like blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
• Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
• Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
• Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
• Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
• Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
• Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
• Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Men are like lawn mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.
• Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.