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The best jokes and joke writers!

Genie - Revival

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.

He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.  He knew Michele would go ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.   He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well,"said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.   "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head.  "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.  Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the

genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all,

so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at that dog!"

Hard of Hearing Genie

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box?" The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats pretty cool, where did ya' get that?" The man says "I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp." The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer." The man says "Oh, Okay!" The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out! The genie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?" The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!" And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist?"

Cinderella and Alan

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.' At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stood before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

Bar Genie

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal. Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “Ten Thousand dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“Ten Thousand dollars?" The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly.

“Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.”

The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?”

“I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a check, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind.

After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman.

“I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly:

“M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”

Careful What You Wish For

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle containing a genie. He rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish."

So the mexican says, Ok, I want to be white and surrounded by pussy."

The genie grants the mexicans wish… and turned him into a tampon.