Captain Hook Died

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!

Rare Disease

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Great One-Liners

One-liners worth passing on

• Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
• In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. SHIT HAPPENS!.
• Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
• If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
• I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.