Bumper Sticker Variety

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Eschew obfuscation. 

Lost Dog

He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it's no use -- his dog can't read.

Real Advertisements - 5

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

• Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting - off - head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.