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The best jokes and joke writers!

Father's Day

One morning, a son asked this father: "Why are you making
Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?" "No dear," I replied, "It's Mother's Day." "Oh," said the son, "then is every other day Father's Day?"

Digital Love

Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a really big wedding. Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! and a big whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell his sorry ass on eBay!

Love, Your Dad

Application To Date My Daughter

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________  IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain______________________________________
Number of years married________
If less than your age, Explain________________________________
Do you own a van?_____  A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______
Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________
A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend______________________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, & priest? _________  
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be _________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the _________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ___________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up ____________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________
Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Too Honest

Mom, how did I come to this world? "Well, your father and I planted a seed together," the mother said.

"From that seed, we grew a marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine."

The Accident

It was my birthday and my dad and I where driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said, "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20 years!"

Well, yeah, it was my 20th birthday.