Drunk English Time Telling
One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk man sitting in a puddle. "Hey, are you drunk?" asked the policeman. "No! I'm just resting!" said the drunk man in a lazy voice. "Oh, is that so? Well, if your not drunk, what time is it?" The drunk man raised his arm, as if to point at something, and raised the other arm to cross the first arm over and said, "It's 12:43!" "Amazing!" said the policeman. "How did you do that?" "Hee hee, magic!" he said in a drunk voice. The policeman was puzzled and asked the drunk man again how he did it. "Oh ok! Don't push me!" he said. "I'll tell you how I did it only if you sit with me in this puddle." "What? No, I'm not sitting in that puddle." said the policeman. " OK, then you will not learn my secret." So the policeman stepped in the puddle, and sat down near the drunk man. "OK, I'm in the puddle, now tell me." "Well, turn to face that way, and look at that very large building," He pointed, " Do you see it?" "Ya I see it, so what?" Said the policeman. "Well, then I bet that you see that the building is Big Ben."
Confused Egyptian Boy
Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
A: His daddy was really a mummy.
Brown With Holes
Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss Shit.
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus an' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin', Dey wuz sleepin' good. We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause be bringin' our check. All o'de fambily wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey heads. Passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw when I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!" I looked out thru de bars what covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff wif a warrent fo sho and what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon pulled by giant warf rats! Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white, but looks liken us bros gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po'lees car my home boy he came he whupped on dem warf rats an' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo, and on Willie Lee, on Saphire, on Chenequa, dey wuz a site to see! As he landed dat watta' mellon out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn't go down no chimbley he picked da' lock on my doe, an' I sez to myself, "Shit! he done dis befoe!" He had dis big bag full of prezents I 'xpect wid Air Jordans and fake gold to wear roun' my neck. But he not leevin no prezents, jus stealing my shit, got my drugs, got my guns, got my crack pipe, still lit! Wit my stuff in de bag out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to cut him, but he stoled my 'nife too! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon an' whipped out a switch, he wuz gone in a seccon', dat sum of a bitch! Next year I be hopin' anutha Sanna we git Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause jus' ain't werf a shit! Murry Crimmus
Looking for a Seat
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant." He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious. "With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."