Ethnic / Country Jokes - Irish Jokes

Paddy's in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.

"I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't fookin' breathe!"

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat"

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time."  

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida.  However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

"Everything's ok over here" Paddy said.  "Except you're cat. It's dead!"

"Oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!"

"What do you mean?" replied Paddy. "Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree.  The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down.  On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg.  Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic," explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologized and another week went by.  One day O'Leary got another phone call.  It was Paddy again.  "All right O'Leary," he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!"

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back! "Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them can't pass the bar!

A twenty-five-year-old man walks into a bar and sits down next to his Irish father. His father says, "Do ya see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands. Not one person ever called me 'Derwin The Barmaker." "Look out that window there. Do you see that bridge? I built that bridge with me own two hands. Not one person ever called me 'Derwin The Bridge Maker." "And do yee see that building down the street? I built that building with me own two hands. Not one person EVER called me 'Derwin The Building Maker'. But you FUCK ONE GOAT!"