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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs You Are A Canadian

  1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
  2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
  3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
  4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
  5. You drink pop, not soda.
  6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
  7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
  8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
  9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
  10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
  11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
  12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
  13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
  14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
  15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
  16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
  17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
  18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
  19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
  20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
  21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
  22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
  23. You read rather than scanned this list.

Scott in Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

You are from Canada

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

  • You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • The mosquitoes have landing lights.
  • You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
  • You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
  • Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  • You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
  • You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
  • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  • Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
  • You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
  • You head south to go to your cottage.
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
  • You find -40C a little chilly.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
  • You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
  • You can play road hockey on skates.
  • You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
  • The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Black Canadian

Q: How come the Black population of Windsor Ontario never changes?

A: Because when the baby is born the father moves back to Detroit.

Headline: Burger King buys Tim Hortons

What's next Burger King, Canada's Parliament Hill? Sounds about right, because so many “ whoppers" are sold to Canadians from there!