Thore!

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment.  She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long.  Then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."

Arachnophobia

My girlfriend says she has arachnophobia
How does she know, she has never met anyone from Iraq.

Don't Mess With This Old Lady!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! "Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"