Horrible Christmas Gift

Q: What did the deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Pirate Interview

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"

Man with No Legs

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him ''I bet you've never been hugged before.'' The legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, ''I bet you've never been kissed before.'' The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, ''I bet you've never been fucked before.'' The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, ''Well you are now because the tide is coming in!'''