Good News And Bad News

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Leachman to Bob Saget

Cloris Leachman on Bob Saget:
"You didn't just kill sitcoms. You raped them and left them for dead, just like I did to Gavin MacLeod in 1975."

Addicted to Internet Porn

          Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
2. His new computer includes a tissue dispenser.
3. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
4. Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
5. He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
6. Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
7. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
8. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
9. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
10. During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
11. His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.