Bill Gates In Purgatory

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?" St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Star Wars Remastered

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15.  New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14.  He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely
13.  Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12.  Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11.  The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10.  Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9.  C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8.  Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7.  New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6.  Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5.  Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4.  During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3.  Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2.  The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1.  Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Nike Ad

I’m not surprised Nike’s stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad.
They should have picked a more stand-up guy.