We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

The best jokes and joke writers!

Clinton's Favorite Instrument

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument?

A: The WhoreMonica!

Ponderings Continued

  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
  • Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
  • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Phone Songs

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

  • Mary Had A Little Lamb- 3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
  • Jingle Bells- 333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
  • Frere Jacques- 1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
  • Olympic Fanfare- 3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
  • The Butterfly Song- 963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
  • Happy Birthday- 112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Constitipation - Composer

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He got stuck on his last movement.

Flat Major

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?

A: See flat major.