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The best jokes and joke writers!

Border Crash

Q: A plane crashes on the US and Canada border. Where do they bury the survivors ?

A: They don't bury the SURVIVORS !!

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

  1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
  4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock, one on our tail! Eject! Eject!
  5. Ummmmmm....Sorry...(silence)
  6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)...we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.
  7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently.
  8. Fasten your seat belt!!!
  9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway.
  10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
  11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ...Oh no!
  12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
  13. Get the parachutes ready...
  14. Drinks are on me..
  15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
  16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Blonde's Flight Across Atlantic

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes." Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."

Polish Airplane Boom

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred. The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines." Everyone stayed calm. About another hour later, another boom. The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!" The people stayed calm. An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained. Then, the Polish man stood up and said out loud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"

Flight Risk

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non- has terrible flight panic.

"Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes."

"1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!"

"Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared."