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The best jokes and joke writers!

Born Loser

Q: What's the definition of a born loser?

A: A stowaway on a kamikaze plane.

World's Smartest Man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane." "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Rabbi and a Priest

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all -- have you ever tasted ham?" "Well," the rabbi laughed, "Sure I've tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die -- could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?" The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman." The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

  1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
  4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock, one on our tail! Eject! Eject!
  5. Ummmmmm....Sorry...(silence)
  6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)...we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.
  7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently.
  8. Fasten your seat belt!!!
  9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway.
  10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
  11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ...Oh no!
  12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
  13. Get the parachutes ready...
  14. Drinks are on me..
  15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
  16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Blonde's Flight Across Atlantic

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes." Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."