Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

I told my psychiatrist, "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes." She said, "Liking pancakes doesn't make you crazy. I like pancakes too." I said, "Great! Come down to the house. I got a whole basement full!"

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.

Patient:  I don't touch a drop.

Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.

Patient:  I don't smoke.

Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.

Patient:  I don't do drugs, either.

Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient:  But, I haven't touched a woman in my life!

Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!