Behold I Cometh!

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him. He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. So he tries to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember. So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered "It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"

Hardware Store

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax"
6. "Peyote Ugly"
5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
3. "Field of Limbs"
2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"