UPS Delivery

Q: What did the pregnant UPS worker say to her boss?
A: I have to deliver a baby.

Steven Wright Collection

• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." 

Frog Wants a Loan

A frog walks into a bank and says, "I wanna loan."
"Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk. She is the loan manager. I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you," The head desk says.
The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan."
Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign. So, if you will wait right here..."
At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?"
The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."
She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says, "I don't get it. A frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?"
The boss laughs and says, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"