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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Nun and the Fortune Teller

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself  "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me". So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you're going to Chicago, Illinois". So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself  "it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again". So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle."  She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said "this is incredible I've got to try it again." So she went back to the machine, put her nickel in and another card came out and it said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind." She thinks "I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex." She said "ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none." Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport. She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!"

What Gate

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program..."

Blonde Calling Airlines

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Bet On Questions

A lawyer and a regular average Joe are on a plane together. The pilot comes on the speaker and announces that the flight will take up to 16 hours. The lawyer turns to Joe and says, "Okay, I have a game we can play while we pass the time. You ask me any question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50. Then, I get to ask you a question, any question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5." The average Joe says, "Okay, what has four legs going up a hill, and three legs at the bottom?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, then hands Joe $50 and says, "Wow, that was tough. I don't know, what does have four legs going up a hill and three legs at the bottom?" Joe then hands the lawyer $5 and says to him, "There's your $5."

Condom Convention

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."