America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance, They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online, Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS, Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS, If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules, And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short, Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock, It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play, As they slashed away at what subscribers pay, And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own, And dial-ins click on a rolling phone, But that's not how it used to be, When the mogul came to Virginia court, With an OS icon and a browser port, And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down, The mogul stole his thorny crown, The browser war was turned. Mozilla... was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond, With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards, And stole a million credit cards, To use accounts he'd gotten free, And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Board watch a little lie, That hackers wanted child pornography, But while Steve Case was looking down, The hackers pulled his e-mail down, They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs, At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter, The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free, Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. aol-sucks. "Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot." "If AOL treats you like the Borg, Then visit aolsucks.org Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee, And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when, Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page, My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No "Welcome" born in hell could ring that chatroom bell. And as chat freaks cried into the night, CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine, And good old geeks are cheering users offline, Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9, And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge, To see what loyalty I could scrounge, But Room Host said the members went away... And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.

Computer History of the World

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I cannot find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. General Protection Fault

Cray Toaster

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.