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The best jokes and joke writers!

What I Got From the Lord

When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a mess!

More Cool Bumper Stickers

  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
  • Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  • Lord save me from your followers.
  • God must love stupid people. He made so many.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  • Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Kid's Letters to God

Some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD:  Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD:  If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD:  I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD:  In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD:  I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD:  Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD:  Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:  Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:  Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD:  I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:  What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:  Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD:  Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD:It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:  Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:  Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:  If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD:  If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD:  I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD:  You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD:  I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:  I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD:  Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD:  My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD:  I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD:  We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:  The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD:  I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles 

Dear GOD:  I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve!

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

  1. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions
  2. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
  3. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
  4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
  5. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
  6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
  7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
  8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
  9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
  10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

Good Holiday Deed

A worker in the post office is sorting through the mail when she sees a letter addressed to "God." She opens it up and finds a handwritten note from an old lady. The note says she desperately needs $200 dollars to pay her heating bills, and she has nowhere else to turn. She hoped God could figure out a way to send her the money. It’s getting close to holiday season, so the kind hearted postal worker decides to take up a collection. She ends up getting $150 and mails the cash to the lady. A few weeks later, there’s another letter addressed to God from the same old woman. The worker opens it up, and it says: "Dear God, Thank you so much for the money you sent. It helped me through a difficult time and I’m glad that I have faith. However, I received only $150. Those damn postal workers must have the other $50!"