A Miracle

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.  So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.  After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?"  says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle!  Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Heaven or Hell

A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment. God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.
An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies, "Don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in." They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry, they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo."
The woman yells, "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"
"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.
Says the woman, "I already have holes for that!"

Father

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't. The officer immediately asked him, "Father, have you been drinking?"
"No..." replied Father.
"Is that liquor in your bottle there Father?" suggested the officer.
"No it's just water" answered Father. The officer took it and smelled it. He then said
"Father this is wine." Father then bursts out
"Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!"