Now That We're Married

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"
When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.
When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.
When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.
When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".

Absent Minded Husband

Anniversaries and birthdays complicate my life. I'm an absent-minded husband . . . of a present-minded wife.

Wedding Question

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.