Shut Her Up!

Q: Why did God give man a penis?
A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Virgin's Fourth Marriage

A mature woman was in her priest's study for counseling on her upcoming fourth wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" she asked.
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." the priest responded.
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"

Heaven and Hell

It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I'd say "I don't believe in Hell." 
But then I got married.