You Might Be a Redneck If... Always More

You might be a redneck if...

• Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
• There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
• You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
• The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
• The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. 

Virginia Girl

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ." Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said, "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy." So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said, "Where is your sister?" They replied "We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - "Clarence 13'6" - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!"

Redneck Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
 
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
 
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
 
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.