Be Nice to Your Kids

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Phil's Choice

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous busty blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super sex."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."

Hooters

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooters to see some friends and have some hot wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told him, "The one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."