Company Merger

Q: Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger?
A: The new company's gonna be called FedUp!

Business One - Liners 12

Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

• Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income.
• Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
• Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.
• Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
• Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure. 

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT:

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE POINTS:

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS:

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two"
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
• In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights."
• Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.