Job Interview No-No!

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

• "You could do worse."
• "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
• "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
• "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
• "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
• "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
• "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
• "I can go all day without peeing once."
• "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
• "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
• "I won't sue you when you fire me."
• "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
• "If you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?”
• "I was a sniper in the Army."
• "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
• "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
• "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
• "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
• "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
• "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
• "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
• "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
• "When do we eat?" "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
• "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was18."
• "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
• "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
• "I don't DO applications."
• "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
• "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
• "I won't have to do anything, will I"
• "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
• "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
• "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
• "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

Ponderings Collection 14

• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
• After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
• This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.
• I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
• The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
• I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
• Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
• The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

If It Business Lines

• If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
• If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
• If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
• If it works, don't fix it!
• If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.
• If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
• If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
• If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
• If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
• If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.