Wealthy Man Wife-Hunting
An enormously wealthy 65 year old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Q: Is Exxon Mobile rstructuring their workforce because of $30 oil?
A: Yes, they had to lay off 25 Congressmen!
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Because I'm That Good
A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs." Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. "Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs." Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. "Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."