Good Advice

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

• SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

• RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Recycled Toilet Paper

Life is good when I can afford to buy recycled toilet paper.

Making Ends Meet

"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income.", his wife told her best friend.  "How do you two manage? And you even have kids!"  "We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money."  "Really? How can that be?"  "Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!"