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The best jokes and joke writers!

Carrying Cash

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

Cops

You're so poor, your version of cable TV is to go outside, watch the police and call it "Cops."

Good Advice

  • OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
  • FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
  • LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
  • AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
  • NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  • SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
  • RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Sure Sign That You're Broke

  1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
  2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
  3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
  4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
  5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
  6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
  7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
  8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
  9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
  10. Your bologna has no first name.
  11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
  12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
  13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
  14. At communion you go back for seconds.

LeRoy

A black woman went down to the welfare office to receive financial aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" She told him ten."What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"