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The best jokes and joke writers!

Better Training

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "

Choose a Punishment

Private Lloyds was brought up before the unit CO for an offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

A Dog for a Wife

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade Sir!"

Water the Grass

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the frustrated Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Typical Fighter Pilot

Last Thursday night he gradually woke up - stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU.

Tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires monitoring every function and all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear . . .and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep and steady into his eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down . . . "He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"