Ride The Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?" "Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --" The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk mid sentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point." Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?" The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?" The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face. "Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make your demands.
Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
Forget your gun at home.
Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
As Negotiator: Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

Better Training

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "