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The best jokes and joke writers!

Highway To Understanding

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie popped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii. "I don't know said the genie" that is really difficult. Do you have another request?" "Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!" The genie replied "Will that be two lanes or four?"

Twice Over

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

A Man's Hard Wish

A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish." The surprised man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there." The genie sighs, "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen." The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women." The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Toad Seeking Fairy's Help

There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes. "Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads." "Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow. "What about my penis?" he asked the fairy. "Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard. "How do I find the wizard?" he asked. "Just follow the yellow dick toad."

Jewish Anthropologist

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."