Life Rules

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER!
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
7. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.   IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Traveling Salesman West Virginia

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.  "Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes. "Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep. "Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes. "Do you know what that is?" The boy nods. "Doesn't that bother you?" "Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Brown With Holes

Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss Shit.