Classified Error

• (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
• (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
• (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
• (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Classified Funny Ads

• Include your children when baking cookies!
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• See ladies blouses. 50% off!
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Signs and Notices 13

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
• At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
• From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
• In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
• In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."