Actual News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
March Planned For Next August.
Blind Bishop Appointed To See.
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip.
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide.
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through.
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out.
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest.

Headline In The Paper

Headline: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Classified Ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
 FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS. 
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.