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The best jokes and joke writers!

Vegan Zombies

Q: What does a vegan zombie eat? 

A: Graaaiiiiinnnssss.

Sans Tomatoes

A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?

Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.

Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?

Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.

The clerk goes to the back and comes back.

Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back.

Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these.

Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the 'Straw' out of strawberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the 'fuck' out of tomatoes?

The lady pauses for a moment...

Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!

Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!

Pondering Collection

  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • The pen is mightier than the sword -- if the sword is very small and the pen is really sharp.
  • If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
  • Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  • Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
  • The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
  • Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

Healthy Selection

That girl said she knew me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore.

Vegetarian Conundrum

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?