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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs and Notices 02

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Join a Club

The Yoko Club? - Oh no.

The German philosophy club? - I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? - Pardon me?

The Arafat club? - Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club? - Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? - Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? - You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? - Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club? - Noh.

The quarterback club? - I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club? - I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? - Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? - Si.

The Anti-perspirant club? - Sure.

The pregnancy club? - Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club? - Maybe next week...

The Self Esteem Builders? - They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? - Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club? - Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? - God willing!

Texan, Russian, New Yorker Out to Eat

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. "Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter. The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Elephants

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant...

 

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant (or 1000 ways to cook Elephant)

The English book - Elephants I Have Shot on Safari

The Welsh book - The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh language and Culture (or: Oes Ysgol Tocynnau Eleffant Llanfairpwll Nhadau Coeden)

The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think About Finnish People

The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants

The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book - How to Reduce Your Taxes With an Elephant.

Newfoundland and Nova Scotia

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.