On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says, "Sir, I offer you my honor." He replies, "I honor your offer." And that's how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.
Signs and Notices 02
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Join a Club
The Yoko Club? - Oh no.
The German philosophy club? - I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? - Pardon me?
The Arafat club? - Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club? - Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? - Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? - You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? - Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? - Noh.
The quarterback club? - I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? - I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymers club? - Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? - Si.
The Anti-perspirant club? - Sure.
The pregnancy club? - Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club? - Maybe next week...
The Self Esteem Builders? - They wouldn't accept me anyway
The Agoraphobics Society? - Only if they meet at my house
The Co-Dependence Club? - Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? - God willing!
Texan, Russian, New Yorker Out to Eat
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. "Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter. The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant...
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant (or 1000 ways to cook Elephant)
The English book - Elephants I Have Shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh language and Culture (or: Oes Ysgol Tocynnau Eleffant Llanfairpwll Nhadau Coeden)
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think About Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to Reduce Your Taxes With an Elephant.