Dear Ann Dilemma
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
Shark Week - Dandruff
Q: How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff?
A: They found his head and shoulders on the beach.
Cannibals and Clowns?
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!!
I'll say one thing for HIV patients, they're always positive.
Money's short, times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, everybody felt shitty, even the mouse.
Mum at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment It must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, sure enough, the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother, the Queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all and have a hell of a night.