She Knows

“My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Good News And Bad News

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

And Then Some

When her late husband’s will is read out, a widow learns he’s left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushes to change the inscription on her spouse’s tombstone. “Sorry, lady,” says the stone mason. “I inscribed “Rest in Peace” on your orders. I can’t change it now.” “Okay,” she replies grimly. “Just add, ‘Until We Meet Again.’”