Lady Diana and Dolly Parton Go to Heaven

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.  St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."  St. Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.  St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".  Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!  "Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Oysters

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

Back In The Closet

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"