I Bet I Can Bite Both of My Eyes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab is. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

Wishing for Another Drink

There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out. As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he f*cked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket. The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. The gay dude came back, f*cked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot. The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight dollars. The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."

It's A Ladybug

A customer was sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!"