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Top Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

  1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
  2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
  3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
  4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
  5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
  6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
  7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
  8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
  9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
  10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Semantics

Q: What did the boy say when his Mom told him to stop pulling the cat’s tail?

A: I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.

Rules for Cats

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

  • A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
  • B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Second Opinion

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead. Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door. The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do.” Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?" "Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied. "Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered. "Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan."