Smitty the Parrot's Birthday

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?"
Smitty says, "I want to get laid."
So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.  
After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.  There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.
"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"
Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

Jewish Dog to Israel

A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog. So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead. "Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?" Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a Cocker-Spaniel. They're common dogs. There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference." They bring the woman the other dog and she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?" And she says, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."

Bullshit

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy". Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients". The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.