Profession Jokes - Lawyer Jokes
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
You're a lawyer if
- You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
- The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
- You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
- Your other car is a BMW.
- When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
- When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Replacing Lab Rats with Lawyers
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
- The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
- Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
- Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
- There are some things even a rat won't do.
Wealthy Man Dies
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?