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The best jokes and joke writers!

You're a lawyer if

  • You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
  • The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
  • You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
  • Your other car is a BMW.
  • When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
  • When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Replacing Lab Rats with Lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

  1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
  2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
  3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
  4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Wealthy Man Dies

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Get Away with Murder

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."